Not all places suitable for having sex. Read this well and next time consider whether it is wise to have sex at any of these places.
1. In an elevator
Again, one of those fantasies that a few brave souls have been drunk enough to attempt (successfully or unsuccessfully). First of all you have the time issue. It’s going to have to be fast and furious or else unfinished. Then let’s not forget you’re in a cramped and usually are without any kind of air conditioning. Plus the cameras, unless that’s your kink. The alarm bells will definitely put a damper on your concentration, that’s if you’ve hit the “STOP” button. I’m not saying it can’t be done, I’m just saying you shouldn’t. Some foreplay in an elevator? Different conversation.
2. A small car
Yes, cars are one of the most popular places for sex. But it’s only worth the trouble if you have a big car, let’s say a pickup truck. Doing the same in a small car, like a mini cooper, is a living hell. There’s no manoeuvre area and you’re limited to about two sex positions. There’s no way in hell you can reach an orgasm in a car.
3. Anywhere near kids
The traumatized face of a kid that just caught two people having sex is something that might kill your libido forever. Plus, when you aren’t trying to have kids, kids screaming aren’t really a huge turn on, except if you’re a paedophile of course.
4. On camera
It’s great you want to be celebrate your love/lust/hormones but you really don’t need to share it with us. The people who do it professionally are well conditioned and know the risks. Let’s face it, there aren’t a ton of people in this world that you want to watch bumping uglies. Besides, if you’re doing it just for yourselves, I don’t know, seems a little narcissistic…and potentially depressing.
5. An airplane bathroom
We all talk tough about wanting to join the Mile High Club. But allow me to bring things to a cruising altitude so we can level off on a few things. 1: You can barely fit in one by yourself. 2: Hygiene. I have trouble getting up the nerve to sit on the seat without thinking about the potential hepatitis. 3: The fact that at least several people are going to know. 4: Walking out and seeing the line you’ve created. 5: Turbulence, anyone?
The truth about sex on a waterbed is, instead of assisting you during penetration, it cruelly turns sex into an incredibly unnecessary workout, where you both end up trying your best to remain upright — so much that you don’t even consider pleasing the other person. Besides, if you still own a waterbed, you probably don’t really consider sex as an option, do you?
7. Public bathroom
Another man’s butt trumpet is not the soundtrack to worthwhile sex. So when you have sex in a public restroom, you’re pretty much opening yourself up to a concert featuring a chorus of literal assholes. This kind of thing often trumps the appealing spontaneity of sex in a public restroom. So, having sex in a public bathroomm IS NOT A GOOD IDEA!
8. On the beach
Whether it’s sand stuck in your ass that turns any and all friction between your cheeks to the consistency of sandpaper, or the fact that you usually have beach sex during an all-inclusive vacation while excessively drunk and, as a result, stumble all over the sand as if it were built on a skatepark, sex on the beach is rarely as good as it sounds. But, sex on the beach is something everybody should try at least once. At the very least, it’s a story to tell the boys.